Never in a million years did I think I would write a book on my childhood and how much hurt this experience of incest and paedophilia has had on myself and my immediate family. Also, on my extended family, friends of mine, and of my father [the abuser’s friends].
The word hurt does not explain enough the tearing apart and the loss so many have experienced. My heart still aches for them all, it’s something no one truly gets over, they just learn how to readjust their minds and hearts to cope better with their destroyed dreams, and their gut knowing instincts that there has been a horrible wrong. For me, the feeling of helplessness I have for those who have been hurt is why I started to write.
Starting to write initially was only going to be a few words for my family, cousins, aunts, and closest friends so they may understand all sides of each of our versions. I do empathise with each member of my family, they have all had different relationships with my father and he was a good man to some, and an idol to others.
You see, my husband did not find out what happened to me for a long time after we moved in together. I did think he knew from different conversations we had shared, then when the penny dropped for him, things started to change. He was shocked and I do not think at first he knew how he was going to approach the situation with my family because in the beginning, he got along with my family relatively well. With all the support my father still received from so many in my family, my husband began to slowly pull away from everyone and was not interested or available for my family stuff. With this there was frustration and blow-ups with some family, some not even knowing why my husband was like that because they did not know about the incest, then the others reacting because they felt judged.
To make it worse I never truly spoke up and I would just be the fence-sitter thinking I was covering up things or I made constant excuses for them all to each of them. At this point I was naïve, I believed this would all blow over and everyone would forgive and settle and love again as we had for so many years.
So, I started to write my feelings, literally on bits of paper as I have only been using a computer since June 2020 which was gifted to me as encouragement. When I first started writing I do not think my family truly thought I would write a full book because of my very obvious dyslexia and to be truthful, I did not think I could either. Wait till down the track! I am so excited that I want to share now, but I will wait. This book is going against all rational odds which makes me realise even more that this book, it is truly meant to be. The people who have stepped up to help and had more faith in me than I did myself, the happenings around this book coming together is priceless.
So over the next few blogs, I am going to take you on my ‘book journey’, the highs and lows, and there have been a few either way. Isn’t hindsight so wonderful? The things I would not give credit to now, my hopes for family to grow together and put the blame where it should be and to understand we all have reacted in ways not to be proud of. The only way we can grow as people and family or either is to be accountable for your share, not point out someone else’s downfalls, as each of us has so much to be aware of and grow on our own best. Practice on the stuff we don’t get right so we can be our best self.
This growth is called life. In no area do we know everything or are rocking it out 100%. Life is growth and the funny thing as I grow older, I realise how much I don’t know. I fill my life with a balance of babies, toddlers and children and teenagers, young people, middle-aged people, and older people, and some ancient people. Everyone is a teacher of what to do and what not to do. So let’s learn to laugh, love, be grateful, and just enjoy each other’s crazy !!!!
And this is why I started to write.