My husband that continually grows with me is helping me blog.
Something I have been wanting us to do from the moment I was asked to write blog posts for my website www.karynwebber.com.au.
I’ve chosen this blog topic ‘finally someone stands strong beside me’ to Introduce Lee to you because Lee is the person that started my brain questioning, “what do I want and what am I prepared to fight for to start a future with this man and for myself”? Not thinking this s my pure soul mate at the time, what I did know was I had someone asking me what do I want and why I put up with what I put up with; without a fight.
It has been a long process for all concerned, and as we all know, we cannot fix something in a few years that took thirty-five years to tell.
Also, the reason I have wanted my husband Matthew (also known as Lee) to blog with me, was that Lee was the first person to say and have me believe to stop putting myself and my needs second to everyone else needs and their comfort of conversation and familiarity. This Is something no one asked of me, it is just something I have done since I was 9 years old. Something I found in conversation with many grownups who have been abused in childhood, is the need to keep everyone else’s needs met so that we feel we will still be accepted by our family and friends.
As an abused child I felt shame and discomfort of talking about what had happened. I became particularly good at not talking about It, as many in similar situations have also expressed. Frustration of no outlet of my abuse on a subconscious level. Looking back, I realise I acted out in so many other victim-like behaviours. Mine was not the poor me reaction, mine was “I do not need anyone, I’ll be fine and do It myself.” I did not allow others too close. My independent attitude and at times self-disrespectful actions could be misunderstood.
Now, this Is where my husband and I actually came head to head on a few of these self-growth lessons of mine and his. Let me take a break as Lee describes his experience and his lessons of getting to now, 2020. We both have a lot of learning to do even though we have come a long and positive way in a short time. What I do love, and I mean love is our ability to grow and admit when there has been a wrong. We have more confidence and knowledge to change our ways of doing or seeing things. To be stronger, less defensive and allow ourselves to fall into a bottomless pit of giving love and be loved to a maximin and strive for more.
Ok, Lee has the keyboard now ……….
There was somewhat of a honeymoon period with Karyn, as you do not know someone truly until you live with them. I was unaware of the abuse. We had been seeing each other and living together for six months when Karyn finally told me about her abuse. Karyn actually thought I knew when she mentioned it. I think she just thought I had figured it out. Instantly I felt anger for Karyn. My head started putting two and two together and realising the reactive behaviours of Karyn and her family and friends. I was starting to recall different situations where I let my opinion or questions go because I was the new one in this group of people. I was only just starting to sort out where my place was in this environment.
Being angry is not healthy so I had to shift my train of thought to a caring attitude rather than dwelling on something out of my control. Having experienced physical and mental abuse myself our partnership could have easily been doomed from the start. However, inside Karyn’s heart and mind Is a wonderful and determined woman who actually inspired me to become a better partner. Somehow after being through torment her will was so strong that it became contagious. She made a conscious decision to be a better person instead of becoming a sad statistic. I am just lucky enough to be a part of her journey.
As Karyn says, “kind is a big word” and she lives by that. I will never know how she does it! Being kind to everyone is so difficult at times with society basically lacking manners and patience but if you walk into Violet Brown, our hairdressing business, you are the most important person in the world. I am treated that way too when I get home from work. The common denominator is support, whether for your business or personal issues. Karyn does not hesitate to help or point you in the right direction. I always marvel at her attitude because after being abused people generally pass on the bad behaviour. How many times do we hear abusers saying “it happened to me”? I am proud of Karyn for being kind instead of passing on anger which is easier said than done.
So, with all this being said between us I do believe it was my time to be ready for that person to have my back and believe in someone. It is really important that you understand that:
You need to be ready to let someone in
Be accountable for your own reactive behaviour [we all have them]
You can set boundaries and be firm with your decisions and help your husband, partner, friend, or co-worker with changes, slowly and kindly
My husband says, when we find ourselves in heated times (thank goodness there is a lot less than they once were), and he can see my attitude of I do not need anyone I am fine by myself. He lovingly says ‘I’m not going anywhere I’m staying here with you’
Allow each other space to breathe, wind down and remember why you are friends or co-workers or lovers or married
These are lessons my disciplined, strong, loving, kind husband has taught me.
We do stray from our rules and then one of us gets off our ‘high horse’ and brings us back together.
Remember when you are ready to stand up and be your number one it makes it easier to make someone else your number one.
I beg of you, for a great life- take off your armour you have built-in protecting yourself as a child and realise you are an adult and get to make the rules now. Your armour is for that child of long ago, this armour you wear is not for relationships with love. Start taking off a little at a time, be brave.
Start to live your real life, every day awaits you.
Be kind. Sending you soooo much kindness.